Sobriety Above All

"I always made a promise to myself that if I was ever to use heroin again, I would make sure it killed me because I didn't want to live that lifestyle."

Michelle Ellis was 13 years old when she first experimented with alcohol and marijuana. That eventually led her to prescription pain medications then to heroin and to methamphetamine. Ellis just recently celebrated three years of sobriety from methamphetamine and six years from heroin.

Just like her road into addiction wasn't easy, neither was her road out of it.

Age of Experimentation

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, the average age of first marijuana use among teenagers is 14 and alcohol use can start before the age of 12. At 13, Ellis was like most average teens in experimenting with controlled substances. At 16, Ellis and a person who would end up being a long-term partner met and she began taking pain medications such as oxycontin and oxymorphone.

"When those became too expensive, heroin was the next thing," said Michelle. "It was a hell of a lot cheaper. For what you could spend on oxycontin, you could buy three times as much-if not four times as much-heroin."

The first few times she used heroin-an opioid made from morphine-she smoked the substance. After that, she began to use the drug intravenously or what is commonly referred to as "shooting up." Then, at the age of 18, Michelle tried cocaine for the first time, again with the same person who had introduced her to pills and heroin.

It was around this time, she discovered she was pregnant with her first child, Pysten.

"I found out I was pregnant with Pysten and tried to get sober on my own," said Michelle. "I did decently but there were worries there were complications with the pregnancy, that Pysten would withdraw because I used heroin and cocaine during my pregnancy."

Road to Rehab

For several years, Michelle would try to kick her habits, with varying degrees of success. 

Living in Utah, the Department of Family Services (DFS) was contacted due to her drug use. When her son was six months old, she made an attempt to get sober by checking herself into a rehabilitation center. Just two weeks later, however, she left. Afterwards, Michelle said, she was out of her son's life for another four to five months.

Her relapse, however, would last years and she was in and out of the jail system. Placed on probation and having to work with DFS, the young mother did what was required of her but remained in active addiction.

"What I had going for me then was because I was open and honest about 'Hey, you want a drug test from me? This is what it's going to show?' said Michelle. "I had a probation officer who helped me because I was honest." 

Eventually, she reconnected with the same group of people from her time as an addict and relapsed. She then found herself in the Utah State Penitentiary, subject to the State's three-strike theft law which dictates that even a minor theft can be charged as a felony if the individual's criminal record has two similar convictions in a 10 year period.

"I had retail theft, theft by deception and check fraud. I did all these things because I was trying to support my high," said Michelle. "I ended up going to prison in 2015. I went up on three felonies, each one was 0-5 years."

While she was in prison, her mom-Susan Ellis-and her son moved to Saratoga. By this time, Susan had custody of Pysten due to Michelle's ongoing substance abuse. When she appeared before the Board of Pardons, Michelle told the members she would do the full amount of time because there was no guarantee she could get her parole transferred to Wyoming from Utah.

Susan wrote a letter on her daughter's behalf. One week later, Michelle was informed that, after a year, in the Utah State Penitentiary her sentence was terminated and she would not need to find a parole officer in Wyoming.

Ups and Downs

After leaving prison, Michelle moved to Wyoming with her mother and son. She was hired at a local business and things seemed to be going well for her.

"I did well the first year, maybe year-and-a-half that I was here. And then I met my daughter's dad," said Michelle. "That's when I started using methamphetamine, again. We used it everyday for a couple years. I got pregnant with Bryndle in 2017 and used (drugs) during my whole pregnancy with Bryndle and she was born in 2018. She was a healthy baby, even though I used."

Michelle, again, had DFS called on her due to her drug use and, again, she tried to meet most of the requirements of her while in active addiction. Then, she and her partner had a domestic dispute. While Michelle intended to let it go, her mother pressed charges on her behalf. For a brief time, history seemed to repeat itself.

Susan was granted temporary custody of Bryndle and Michelle had to move out of her mother's to cooperate with DFS and their recommendations. As she began to go through the motions, again, Michelle began to gain sobriety while attending an outpatient rehab facility in Rawlins.

Then, she reconnected with her daughter's father and relapsed, again.

"At one point I went to class high and I talked to one of the higher ups, who actually was over Crossroads," said Michelle. "She was like 'You can go tomorrow. If you're serious, you can go tomorrow.'"

'I can't do this anymore'

Michelle called her mother and told her she would be going to an inpatient rehab facility in Casper.

"I told my mom 'I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of living this lifestyle,'" said Michelle.

With the support of her mother, Michelle spent 30 days at a facility in Casper and graduated from the program on February 27. When she came out, she had partial custody of her daughter and didn't have to worry about DFS. She began to fight for full custody of Bryndle, which was eventually granted.

Now sober three years, there are still scars from Michelle's time in active addiction which may never go away. Despite her length of time in sobriety, she finds people will still make judgements based on her appearance due to over a decade of intravenous drug use. Recently, she had DFS called on her because someone had assumed she was using methamphetamine, again.

Along with a welfare check from the department, Michelle also had to take a urinary analysis (UA) test to determine whether or not she was sober. The experience frustrated Michelle, who said she's been open with everyone-including her own children-about her struggles with addiction and her time in prison.

People, places, things

Once a full-time addict, Michelle is now a full-time mother, holds a full-time job and is a full-time college student. She is majoring in psychology, with an emphasis on substance abuse.

"I remember when I was in treatment, I had two different therapists I saw. One who had been down that road and who had only learned by the books. It's a lot harder to relate to somebody who doesn't know the other side of it, who's only learned by the books. It's a lot easier to relate to somebody who's been down there," said Michelle. "That's what I want. I want to be able to help people. It's the same with me working at the nursing home. Since I've been working at the nursing home, I think I want to go do social work, too."

While the road to sobriety isn't easy, Michelle said, neither is the work to maintain it. She said getting sober means doing more than just getting off controlled substances.

"In recovery, they say change your people, places and things. If you can't change one, you're not going to change the others. Even if it's by yourself," said Michelle. "These past three years, most of the time I'm by myself or I'm at home."

She said people she knew from her time in active addiction, themselves still struggling, will reach out to her wanting to spend time with her. Her answer is always no.

Sobriety Above All

Maintaining sobriety, said Michelle, requires some selfishness along with being selfless. While she admits she wouldn't change a thing from her past due to the lessons she learned and being the mother of two children, there is one instance in which she has to put herself first.

"I come before my kids because that's what I have to do in recovery. If I'm not okay, I can't be there for my kids," said Michelle. "When you're in recovery, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anybody else."

Even though she focuses on sobriety, and her children, there are still days when the urge to use is stronger than others.

"When I was getting high, it was the best feeling in the world and it was hard to shake for a while. Do I have my days depending on what my day was like? Yeah, definitely," said Michelle. "I always made a promise to myself that if I was ever to use heroin again, I would make sure it killed me because I didn't want to live that lifestyle. I think that's what helps aid in why I have six years sober off of it."