Radicalized rednecks

Somewhere in the Middle East a new scourge is rising with the goal of taking down the American federal government.

Okay, so the Middle East I am talking about is the middle east of Oregon and the terrorists involved here are a bunch of mostly white rednecks with “legitimate” axes to grind with the federal gummint.

So righteous were “Y’all Qaeda’s1” claims that they banded together to raid and occupy the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, the offices of which were closed for the weekend.

They are currently holding the water cooler hostage and have threatened dire consequences for the copier.2

POINT 1: The Hammonds

The first issue that brought these “YeeHaw-dists” together was the sentencing of Dwight and Steve Hammond. The Hammonds are ranchers who were convicted of burning quite a bit of federal land.

“VanillaISIS” says that the Hammonds were labeled as terrorists and convicted for letting controlled burns get, well, out of control. In the west we appreciate the value of prescribed fires and have occasionally seen them get out of control … even those set by the federal gummint. So to think that these boys were put in the hoosegow for just letting a controlled burn get out of control would be a sore miscarriage of justice.

But wait … there’s more!

Witnesses at the Hammond arson trial, including Hammond relations, told a much different story. Those present stated that after Steven Hammond and his hunting party had illegally killed several deer on BLM property (we generally call that poaching), Steven attempted to cover up the incident by handing out “Strike Anywhere” matches with instructions to light them and drop them on the ground so as to “light up the whole country on fire.”

So the poachers who committed deliberate arson and were released before they had served the minimum required sentence are now being sent back to “Club Fed” to serve the rest of their term.

Let’s get our guns and defend these patriot’s rights by occupying a federal outhouse!

The only problem with these “Occupy Cow Streeters” defending them is that the Hammond’s lawyer has issued a statement that this “militia” definitely does NOT speak for them.3

POINT 2: Gummint land

Well, let’s get on to the next point in “YokelHaram’s” manifesto.

Ammond Bundy leader of the occupying “TaliBundy,” says that what he really wants to have people know is that hard-working ranchers had their land seized by the federal gummint and by God they should have it back.

The truth is that the wildlife refuge started when Teddy Roosevelt declared that federally-held lands become the Lake Malheur Reservation on Aug. 18, 1908. This move was made to protect North American bird populations that were being decimated by plume hunters in pursuit of feathers for the hat industry.

The federal gummint added 65,000 acres of the Blitzen Valley in a purchase from Louis Swift, of the Swift Packing Company, in 1935.

Due to drought and the Depression, the 14,751-acre Double-O unit suffered hard times and was sold to the U.S. Government (that’s federal gummint y’all) and added to the refuge in 1941.4

The only other folks, besides the gummint, who have any real claim on the Maheur lands are, in my opinion, the Northern Paiute tribe who signed away part of the land in an 1868 treaty. While the treaty was never ratified by Congress, the gummint did guarantee to protect the safety and property of the Northern Paiute people.

The Paiutes don’t want these occupiers on their land either by the way. 5

Well, the Federal gummint shouldn’t be allowed to own all this land the strict followers of “Shania Law” say.

First off, the government acquired the western lands they still own through purchase and treaties (think Louisiana Purchase) that ONLY the Federal government could have accomplished.

Then, to populate the areas, the government set up homestead acts which GAVE acreage (typically 160 acres) to anyone willing to settle on the land for at least five years.

During this time, ranchers often found that they needed more than the acreage allotted to earn a profit so they began to lease federal land for extra grazing with the condition that they allow federal oversight.

This went on peacefully until 1905 when stockmen revolted because the Forest Service implemented a permit system and set grazing fees. A similar insurrection happened in the 1940s and 50s because of increases in livestock fees.6

I get that no one likes paying fees and dealing with the government but these ranchers are actually getting a really good deal from the gummint with rates much lower (as much as 93 percent less) than fees charged by private land owners.7

But the “JihadBillies” say the federal government can’t constitutionally own land.

Wrong. There’s this little thing called the Property Clause in the Constitution8 that grants Congress power to own land. Also, once again, federal land in the west was already the government’s before most of the western states were even states.

POINT 3: Could you give it to the states anyway?

The federal gummint tried to give their lands to the states. In 1932, President Herbert Hoover wanted to send the rights to unappropriated lands to the states. The response was that overgrazed lands would burden the state’s individual budgets which had been strained by the Great Depression. The Bureau of Land Management (BLM) was created to administer the lands the states did not want.

Land transfer bills have again started up in several states in the West. Most of these bills have the backing of groups funded by members like Koch Industries and ExonMobil. The goal: to open up vast expanses to mining, drilling, ranching and other revenue-generating activities. Without the tax revenue these activities might create, the states just cannot afford to manage these newly acquired lands.6

With oil hitting decade-spanning price lows and coal mining having a tough time, I doubt many western states could bear the new responsibilities as their economies are once again overburdened.

Join up … or send snacks

But if you still believe, and you want to join a hypocrite who wants to battle the federal government but was fine with taking a $530,000 federal loan from the Small Business Administration (I don’t recognize the federal government unless I can get something from them), you go right ahead.9

Bundy and his “Podunk Posse” want you to bring yourself and any arms you can carry to come join them. Just be sure to bring snacks.

Even though “FailQuaeda” has said that they were prepared to stay for years, one of the Bundy gang got on Facebook the other day to ask for supplies, cold weather gear, snacks, or anything useful.

My questions are:

1. Did he really mean to use the internet for his plea? Is he aware that the internet was created by the federal government?

2. When he asked you to join did he mean for you to drive on federal highways or travel some other way?

3. Did he want you to send him the snacks through the federally-operated U.S. Postal Service?

I realize that these men really do consider themselves patriots, but honestly, couldn’t you take a little more time to research your philosophies before you start commandeering things?

I probably shouldn’t call the group names like “YokelHaram” but with the hysteria over terrorists today and all the labels applied, I couldn’t resist the funny ones. Also, I would never actually lump all rednecks into one action or belief group. That would be like calling all Muslims terrorists. I happen to know several ranchers who work equably with the government in the conscientious running of their operations.

In lighter news, North Korea just tested an H-bomb.

FOOTNOTES

1. Most of the “Y’all Quaeda” and “YeeHaw-dist” labels came from some really funny folks on Twitter and the internet.

2. This line is a joke. I threw a few of them in. I am fervently hoping you can tell the difference between these and the facts.

3. http://heavy.com/news/2016/01/dwight-steven-hammond-oregon-ranchers-protest-prison-arson-fire-land-charges-sentences-age-bundy-armed-militia-judge-photos-family/

4. http://www.fws.gov/refuge/malheur/about.html

5. http://registerguard.com/rg/news/local/33925334-75/burns-paiute-tribe-armed-militia-offer-starkly-different-views-on-malheur-standoff.html.csp

6. https://www.yahoo.com/politics/why-ammon-bundys-oregon-standoff-is-doomed-to-014534768.html

7. http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-armed-oregon-ranchers-who-want-free-land-are-already-getting-a-93-percent-discount/

8. Article IV, Section 3, Clause 2 of the United States Constitution.

9. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ammon-bundy-530g-federal-loan-article-1.2486508