Stuff I failed to learn early

Did you know you aren’t supposed to actually wash pots and pans? At least not the way I always have you’re not. It turns out that good cookware should be wiped clean shortly after the vessel cools. If you try to clean it while it’s still hot your run the risk of warping the pan in question.

Pre-soaking is okay for short periods. If you soak your stainless-steel pots the way I have you will eventually find that the metal used to join the pot section to the handle is not stainless steel but rather some mutant metal that corrodes after a certain amount of immersion.

I have gone to pick up large stew pots after letting them “soak” for … let’s just say “a while” … and had the handles snap off in my hands.

The handles were fine. The pot was fine. The “pot metal1” the manufacturers used to affix the two … gone.

I fixed that pot though. Some stainless steel screws and nuts and all was good again. Heck, better than before.

Perhaps you are asking yourself. “How long were you letting these utensils soak for?”

DON’T.

Like a lot of single men, I have the super disgusting ability to put off noticing a sink full of dishes for months at a time.

Wanna date me now, ladies?2

Actually I have gotten quite a bit better about this kind of thing. Turns out dishes are way easier to clean if you do them as soon as possible.

The reason I mention all this is because I became involved in the periphery of a conversation between two ladies on the topic of cookware cleaning and maintenance.

The thing that vexed me was that they seemed to intuitively know that you are not supposed to use detergent on cast iron cookware and you are supposed to season them with oil (not 10W40 guys).

There are a whole host of things like that to be known and women seem to know them.

Don’t get me wrong, there are most likely men who know these things and women who could make me dizzy with their carburetor rebuilding prowess. I don’t want to come off all sexist or anything—but so far, women have held most of the answers to these household mysteries.

One day a lady went to clean the toilet where I worked but said she was going to need something called a “pumice stone.” I was confused, but went to purchase the asked-for item. When I got back, I watched in amazement as the woman used this improbably light stone to erase stains that I had been trying to “pee off” for months.

I have since used this wondrous invention several times and it works admirably. Women should know though that men think the combination of ammonia in urine and a heroic amount of pressure can actually clean toilets. Heck, we like aiming at anything when we pee. There are whole sets of games involved with this fascination. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite bars has “‘Hanoi Jane’ urinal targets” in their urinal.

The ONLY reason I know how to fold a fitted sheet is that my ex-girlfriend showed me. I would describe the process but I don’t think the newspaper has enough ink to print all the steps and diagrams needed.

You might say, “Your mother should have taught you all this stuff!”

I would reply “Screw you. My mother worked hard just to keep me and my brother fed.”

But I did, somehow, learn how to work on cars. I am proud of the fact that I can drop the engine on a Volkswagen Karmann Ghia in 15 minutes flat. I have replaced most of the plumbing in and around my house myself. I learned some of these things working with my stepdad and some of it messing around with friends.

Maybe Mom thought those household things were “women’s work” and didn’t think I would need to know them.3

To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have appreciated any of it anyway. Heck, I didn’t even appreciate what my parents did for me until I tried to live on my own for a while.

To wrap it up, if you have knowledge, pass it on. Teach your daughter to use a wrench, teach your son to sew. Cross-training is big in business these days. We might as well begin that cross-training at home.

You never know what your kid will be good at or what information and skills they will end up needing—so try to teach them everything they will bear.4

1. Not where that term comes from. Pot metal was scrap metal thrown in one smelting pot to make inexpensive castings, not crappy metal used to join pots.

2. My editor and boss, Liz has let me know no one wanted to date me even before this startlingly candid admission.

3. I really hope this is mostly the case because I will get slapped if it was an “I DID show you how to do this stuff, you inattentive brat!” scenario.

4. Yes, this is the right “bear,” as in “the right to bear arms.” I am going to laugh right at the person who tries to correct me on this one.